Grandma's house

Yesterday I was able to go inside my Grandparent's house. They had live in a small home next to my parents out on the farm. I have not been in the house for probably 25 years or more. I have many good memories of Grandma and Grandpa associated with that home. I loved that they lived close and I was able to visit a lot. The house looks wonderful. It made me so happy and made me miss both my Grandparents as I walked into the bedrooms they had occupied. To tell the truth I wanted to cry. I will always think of it as their Home. I loved sitting in front of the fireplace and just listening to everyone. Friends and relatives would come visit them. It was in that kitchen that Grandma taught me how to can tomatoes. I even wrote it down. It made my heart feel good to see the little house cleaned up and taken care of. My Grandparents were great examples to me and I hope and try to live up to their legacy. Love you and miss you both...................

Return........................

Got back today from spending five days at my cousin Cami's place. She always checks on my blog, I told her I would start posting in it again. Wow! So much has happen since lat post. I'll catch up as I keep posting. Driving home today, with my dog Max I got thinking. I do my best thinking when I'm alone driving or doing something that doesn't require much thought. I was wishing I could take away all the sadness and loneliness in the world. My heart aches when I hear or know of people going thru a sadness. I want to just hold them and soothe away their tears and fears. Let them know that they are loved and not alone. At times when I have felt down I always know that my Heavenly Father and Jesus love me personally. They have provided ways for me to feel comfort and be watched over. I also know that what ever happens to me that Jesus knows EXACTLY what I am experiencing. This is one of the things that he suffered in the garden. Such Love he has for me and everyone to have done this. So,I know I can't take away all the sadness in the world. Like the story of the man and the starfish. I do what I can. {Starfish Story. There was a man walking along the beach. Lots of starfish had washed up on shore and been stranded. As he walked along he would pick them up and toss them back into the ocean. Another man saw him doing this and commetted, "You can't hope to make a difference by saving a few of the thousands of starfish." The man answered as he picked up another one and returned it to the ocean. "Made a difference for that one." So, each day I hope I can make a difference in someone's life. Even if it is a small difference.

I find I am lonely a lot. Polly's estate is all done. Her house is mine now. The boys and Keith were very generous {I think} and deeded the house to me. First thing I did was put in a new range. It was installed Thursday and looks really nice. I also had the HUGE pine tree taken down. There is a lot of wood from it. Next fall I will sell it for firewood. The big pieces of log I'm hopefully going to have made into benchs. I am slowing making progress on things that need done. Feels good. I have started running again. Last year I hurt my knee somehow and could hardly walk. Finally went to the doctor. Got a cortizone shot and ta-da! I was better. Then I was real leary about running. A month ago I decided to give it a try. So far, so good. I am actually enjoying it. Had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My cousin and her family came and we had a fantastic time. We made apple turkeys. See pic. I have been reading the Book of Mormon. This time it is finally sinking in. Like I get it. I understand what is meant when it is said "Feast" on the words of the scriptures. It has made me more content and I feel a peace in my heart.

Sadness and Rejoicing

The young girl that Max and I visited 3 weeks ago passed away this morning. Maybe my soul knew it and that is why today has been a bit harder for me. Much sadness will be felt her on this earth from the mortals. But, I know there is much rejoicing in heaven as a much loved one returns.

Lonely

Most of the time I am lonely. Most times I am able to push it aside and get on with things. Today for some reason it is hard to do that. I will keep trying. I have found if I keep myself busy, I'm unable to dwell on it. That is probably why I get the things done that I do. It's not because I'm ambitious. I don't like to feel self pity. There are a lot of people who have things a lot worse than me. In fact, things really aren't that bad. I am able to take care of myself. Maintain both places, do thing I enjoy, do a bit of traveling. I really am very blessed. I just get lonely. Max is my best buddy. He is 5 years old now and I couldn't ask for a better companion. Well maybe. He could help out with the chores. I've tried to teach him how to pick up sticks and pile them. He just kinda looks at me like, "I don't think so". So, I will get on with my day. I do feel a bit better having shared this on my blog.

typo

I noticed a typo in my last posting. I meant to write "I use to BE like them." Left out the BE. Hope I didn't offend anyone. When I reread it, it sounded pretty bad. Sorry.....................

The Edge

There are times that a memory of something in the past two years will come to me. Then I can feel myself start thinking of all that has gone on. I can feel myself start drawing toward the dark shadow that is always there lingering on the edge. It would be so easy to let it in and feel sad, depressed, sorry for myself, poor poor pitiful me. But, I have been there. Did not like it at all. Don't want to go there again. Will do almost anything to avoid it. So, I push away that dark shadow and get on with my life. There are so many things I have and am able to do. I need to concentrate on the good things. There are so many things I want to do and experience in my life. I am lucky. I have my dog. I take care of him and he takes care of me. I have a few friends and family who are always there for me. They have true compassion and won't let me wallow in self-pity. The rest of the people just don't get it. That's O.K., I think I use to like them. So, I pull myself up by my boot straps and say "Cowboy Up" and get on with enjoying life and trying to be happy. Hey, things could be a whole lot worse.

This pic is up Logan canyon. It is where my Grandpa Meldrum use to go fishing. Made me happy to stop and see this pretty little place.

Tree Party

Last Saturday I had a work party at my house. I invited family and friends. People came at 4:00 and we all went to work on my tree line. Along the edge of my property I have a long line of trees. Every time the wind blows twigs, sticks and branches fall off. Then I get to play my not favorite game of pick up sticks. {need to teach my dog how to play this game} To say the least, the trees need some major work. So I decided to invite people to come help me. And people came! We had Ken's pole saw and my chain saw and lots of rakes and pruners. Plus my tractor to push all the trimmings over to a big pile in open spot of field next door. Everyone worked really hard. We got A LOT done. Afterwards I had grilled hot dogs for them and everyone brought a potluck dish. I think it was a good time. There is still work to do on these trees but we got a good start and made a good sized dent in the job. Now I can keep up on what has been done and maybe do some on my own with the rest. Picture is of some huge parts of a tree that fell one night in July. It fell in the only spot on the whole place where it would not hurt anything but dirt! That's what happens when you pay your tithing..............

day after

So I took Max yesterday. The girl was not having a good moment. Which is O.K. She has earned the right to feel how she wants. Max was on very good behavior. He interacted with the other kids a bit. One cousin even sang him a song. Then wondered what that yucky smell was. I suggested it was maybe Max's breath. He came and smelled his breath and said yup it was. How funny. Max wasn't even offended. We should all be more like Max. Had a good visit with the girl's mom. She seems to be holding up, well. I use to play that disguise also. If we are needed we will return. Maybe the other kids can come out sometime and see my alpacas.

There is a mother I know who grew up in Burbank. Her youngest daughter {3} is very ill. She has brain cancer. Everything has been done and it is just a matter of time now. Actually the doctors are totally amazed that she has not died yet. I think of this mother, her daughter and the whole family. I wish there was something I could really do for them. I wish they did not have to experience this pain. Her older children now ride my bus. They are nice polite kids. One morning at the bus stop one of them had his thumb out like a hitchhiker. As he got on I told him he couldn't ride. My Daddy had told me to never pick up hitchhikers. He laughed. I t was good to see him laugh. Today I sent a note home with the kids for their Mom. I have felt like I need to take Max to go visit the little girl. So, I explained all this in the note. I also wrote if the mother did not feel it would be good that I would understand. {not everyone enjoys dogs like I do. Even if it is Max and he is special} She called me and thought it was a great idea. She had asked her daughter if she wanted a dog to come visit her. The answer was "yes". Later the daughter asked when the dog was coming. So, it is arranged. Tomorrow about 3:30, I will take Max over there. I'm not sure what will happen. I know he loves kids. I also know he senses thing that I can't. many times I have wished he could talk and tell me what he is seeing. We will be in the same room and I know he is looking at some one. So, we will go visit the little girl tomorrow.

Weekends

Yesterday as I was doing something. I don't remember what. I realized I don't dread weekends anymore. I'm not even sure how long it has been. During the week I would keep myself busy with work, my house and all the things that have to be done around my place. Usually about Friday afternoons I would realize the weekend was here. It would be just me at my place. I would get a ache deep inside me. Probably one of the reasons I try to go somewhere on weekends and holidays. Yesterday I realized I look forward to weekends now. I was surprised, amazed and thankful........................

Pictures.................

Just posting a few pictures from the last two years.

Today is Friday. It has been a good week. Jacob went and got my hay for me yesterday. Wish he would have paid for it for me. Oh well, can't have everything. I better be grateful for what I get. Now to get it unloaded. No rush on that, but it is suppose to rain. So I will just park my pickup and trailer in the pole building. Ha, ha fooled Mother Nature this time. Wow, to catch up on the last two years. I will have to do it a bit at a time. For starters, I am doing O.K. Have had bad days and good days. The good days do now out number the bad. During Sunday School one day something that was said got me thinking. I had been having a not happy week. Don't know why really. Just really feeling down and sorry for myself. Something that was said during the lesson {I don't even remember what it was exactly} got me thinking.. I am in charge of how I feel and react to things. I decided I did not like the way I was feeling and wanted to be happy. So, I quit feeling down and blue. I'm not saying I am happy all the time, but this has helped a lot. I know I didn't want to feel like I had felt that week any more. At times I can feel the fog trying to come over me. I try to push it back. It isn't gone. I can feel it lingering there, but if I refuse to recognize it and let it in some day it will go away for good. Both my in-laws have passed away. My father-in-law on May 10 2011 and my mother-in-law on Dec. 23 2011. My oldest son Kris got married {I know I'm still in shock too} on August 1 2012. Jacob has bought a house. {Nicer than mine. Something is wrong with this} Both are doing well and seem happy. They help me out a lot. I am always busy. I work hard so I can play hard. Always something to do around my place. And now I have my place and my in-laws place to take care of. Keeps me very busy but, when I do go play and have fun I do it very well!!!!

I'm back

I have decided to write in my blog again. So much has happened and changed since I last did. I had some trouble getting access to my blog. Let's see if this gets posted and then I will post more.

Birthday

I had a good birthday. So far fifty isn't too bad. I went kyacking with a friend and son Kris. Then other friends brought over an ice cream cake. Family came and we ate cake. Good day. Planing a trip to McCloud CA for a week. Mom is going with me and Max. I try to keep myself busy. When I'm not busy I think too much and start to sob. This is so hard. The reality still hasn't sunk in. Take a deep breath and go forward.

Life Goes On

I was overwelmed by the turn out for Dan's funeral yesterday. Almost every Franklin county patrol car, all of district five's apparatous, Patriot Gaurd. I'm guessing around 400 people.

Today was hard for me. I just try to keep busy so my mind has no time to think. I feel a peace and calmness. I felt such a spirit during the services. The spirit was bearing testimony to me of the gospel and the Plan of Salvation. It will be hard, but I will be ok. I am eagerly anticipating being reunited with Dan some day.

Onward

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. My family and friends have been great. The few friends I called Monday dropped everything and came running to be with me. I can not thank them enough. They made that day and moment easier fo me. At times I stop and think "whatever am I going to do"? Dan supported me in EVERYTHING I did and allowed me to have my adventures. I know he is still there supporting me and wants me to continue enjoying life and having my crazy adventures. My knowledge and testimony of the gospel and the atonement will get me thru this.

I miss him so much.

Services

Dan's funeral will be held on Saturday July 31. Burbank L.D.S. (Mormon) church building at 11:00 a.m. Viewing is Friday, July 30 from 3:00 to 8:00 at Mullers funeral home in Pasco and on Saturday from 10:00 to 10:45.
I already miss him so much. We did so many things together. Who is going to help carry some of my stuff when I go backpacking now? I feel so lonely. My dog, Max won't let me out of his sight. He was right there the whole time. Up on Dan's bed with him or on the big bed by it. I am so blessed to have such a special dog.

Greener Pastures

Dan passed away around 5:00 pm today. The seizures were continuing and he was in lots of pain. The Hospice people were so very helpful. I called them many times. He was getting quite a bit of morphine and something to help with the seizures. All the guys from his shift came to visit either yesterday or today. He also had many other visitors. I know he was aware of the people who came. The morphine had him pretty much out. He was not in pain any more and resting peacefully and calmly. Even our dog Max was there with him. Thank you everyone. I will post info on services.

F.C. cont.

It has been a long rough day. Some of the deputies he worked with came by for a visit. He enjoyed that. He likes visitors. So please come see him.

We do not know how long. Days, weeks, momths? I'll try to keep this updated. I'm falling asleep in my chair at the computer. Thank you to all who have helped and those who have offered and those who will be helping.